Wednesday, July 02, 2008

You're invited to a redneck wedding

Let me preface this post by saying I can't make stuff like this up. This story comes courtesy of my friend Alyson from Philly by way of West Virginia.

The following is her quick take on her cousin's wedding this past Saturday, hosted near or around Alderson, WV.

Keep in mind this is the exact same place I'm headed this weekend for Independence Day, and the exact same family I'll be spending 3 days with (dressed as a mermaid, no less ... more on this later).

God protect me and grant me many hilarious pictures. Now, on with the honest-to-god unedited show:

Just wanted to let you know that the wedding surpassed even my estimate of insanity and redneckishness. I will tell you all about it with pictures so you get a full idea of what I am talking about, but here is a small sample:

First, we get there at 2pm and the place is a wreck b/c we have been having major thunderstorms for two days. The wedding is at 4pmand nothing is decorated. The tent was up and there were tables under it and a few strings of xmas lights. My aunt and I stopped along the road and cut Yucca flowers, we strung more lights, added some crepe paper hearts, glitter hearts on the table etc.

Nobody could find the topper for the cake (eventually did)except found this weird thing with a bride dragging a groom which we later found out was the topper for the groom's cake. My cousin told everyone that I was the wedding coordinator so everyone kept asking me what to do. I had arrived at 1:30am the night before and hadn't even spoken with my cousin thebride so had no idea. I just kept making things up!

Anyway, my dad, granny, Anna and I had to stand under the tent and walk around pushing water out of the sagging areas during another storm while my Uncle and Anna's boyfriend put together an arbor from the dollar store. My mom then decorated it with ivy from a nearby chimney and tulle.

The bride was 35 minutes late, the preacher tied the rings on the pillow in a knot, I sang while my uncle played the wedding march on the guitar. They kept telling us to reserve a table for the dj, but no dj ever arrived (or was ordered) so my uncle ended up playing tunes out of the back of his suburban.

We had enough ham and baked beans for 300 people, but nothing else. Most of the crowd were holy-rollers (not our family) who don't approve of drinking so everyone walked around with beer in Styrofoam cups. Frida Kahlo's long lost relatives showed up and my sister's and cousin's got stoned.

End scene.

Update: These responses were far too good to leave in my inbox. Feel free to comment here too!

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Forget the glitter hearts and yucca flowers . . . the baked beans and beer make for an instant party!

Sounds like love was in the air. Or was it just the beans? ;o)

Mmmm, JACOB

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OMG, Julia. I would love to see the pics. You better be REAL careful when you're out there this weekend. 'Caus yer reeel perdy an' sumun might have a hankerin' fer ya.

Love, Mom

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I'm horrendously out of the loop...why are you dressing up like a mermaid??

I could take money savings tip from that bride.

Sue

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Sounds like fun. How come our family can't get stoned at our weddings? We're so pedestrian!

Your Dad

1 comment:

  1. This sounds like an SNL skit.

    ReplyDelete