Monday, September 08, 2008

Word on the street: Teat width

The scene: The tailor shop in the Ballston Mall. I have dropped in on my way back from the metro to get my bridesmaid dress measurements for Sue's wedding. I approach the counter where, predictably, two middle-aged Asian women are working.

Julia: Hi there. Can you take my measurements for a bridesmaid gown?

Saleslady: Yes. It cost you five dollar.

Julia: That's fine.

I drop my bags on a nearby chair and stand to attention. One of the ladies measures me while the other writes the numbers.

Lady: Waist, 29".

Julia: (congratulates herself on not gaining weight)

Lady: Hip, 42".

Julia: (rescinds congratulations)

Lady: Bust, 35 1/4".

Julia: (curses the gods)

Lady: Arm hole, 17 1/2 inches.

Julia: Whoa, what? My waist was 29", how can my arm hole be nearly the size of my waist??

Frantic hand gestures ensue. It is soon determined that the armhole is NOT the circumference of my upper arm, as I thought, but the span around my shoulder.

Lady: Upper bust, 34".

Julia: (re-curses the gods)

Lady: Teat width ...

Julia: Teat width? (Inner monologue: "Am I livestock?")

Lady: Teat width. (confused silence. Then, jabbering with coworker in language I don't know. She looks back at me.) Um, what is teat?

Julia: Um, well ... you know, it's ... well ... (drops voice) it's the nipple.

Ladies: (blank stares)

I point to said body parts. Right on cue, a cute young guy walks in. He sees me poking myself, and quickly turns heel to walk out. I resign myself to always wearing bridesmaid dresses and never a bridal gown.

Ladies: (ecstatic) Ohhh. The TEAT!

They excitedly measure from one point to the other. I have a sudden urge to buy a Madonna cone bra and throw the whole thing off.

Lady: Neck to teat ...

Julia: (sneaks a glance at the sheet to see how many more times the lady has to say this word)

Lady: All done!

Julia: Thank you, ladies! I appreciate it.

I pay the money and run. End scene.


  1. Anonymous6:55 PM

    Tell me your kidding! I've never heard of this. But since you had to endure it, I'm sure glad you made the re-telling so enjoyable! Thanks from your biggest fan...Mom

  2. Anonymous8:36 PM

    Very cleverly told and quite entertaining. Points out more reasons"I'd druther be a boy."If we want a suit, we find a coat that fits tolerably well and get the pants trimmed to fit. My preference is a khaki shirt and pants with brogans.However, I will put on suit and tie for church,a good party or a wedding!

  3. Anonymous10:01 PM

    hules, my already non-existant game face would have gone to pieces. mucho credit to you for staying around long enough to get measured :)

    -from your other biggest fan and bestest