Saturday, March 07, 2009

Word on the street: You give me fevers

The scene: The spa, where I have gone to get a deep tissue massage as a reward for finding employment. A young woman about a foot shorter and 20 pounds lighter than I am is my masseuse. Her name is MJ. She has a stock Slavic accent, the kind you hear in Cold War movies or Rocky & Bullwinkle cartoons. She begins working on the enormous knots in my back.

The scene, continued: And by "working on," I mean she crushes me with strength that seems incongruous with her petite frame. I endure in silence until it becomes necessary to distract myself from the blinding pain.

Julia: So, what are knots, exactly?

MJ: Well, they are the muscles. But sometimes they are the tendons, and sometimes they are the nerves.

Julia: Ok ... so what causes knots?

MJ: Well, the muscles, they get strained. Or they are all bundled up, you know, with the fevers.

Julia: Fevers?

MJ: Yes, the fevers, the fevers ... oh, maybe that is the wrong word? The fivers? Fivers, maybe?

Julia: Oh, do you mean "fibers"?

MJ: Yes! Fibers! The fibers, they get tangled. Unless they are the nerves. And that's why it hurts.

Julia: Ok, good to know. (Inner monologue: By which I mean, I still have no idea what knots are and what causes them.)

MJ: (pounding my back) You should come back more often. So much tension, not good ... (pounds my back again)

Julia: Yeah, that sounds like a smart idea. (Inner monologue: Were you trained by the Gulag?)

The End.


  1. Anonymous12:05 AM

    This blog is so boring lately. There is nothing on here for me to leave "snarky" comments about. I wll not give up though. I am sure sooner or later you will give me something good to write about. How is "Pat"? I was hoping he would respond to my comment but he never did. Pussy. Ha! Ha! See the irony "Pat"? How's that for professional communicating? ;)

  2. Hi there Anon. -- I appreciate you checking you back anyway, despite my boring the pants off you. ;) Have patience ... I'm starting a new job and doing another round of 5 shows, so blogging will happen as time allows. Is this really your only outlet for snarkiness?

  3. Anonymous12:28 AM

    Yeah, I'm sure Julia's goal with this blog is to write about things that will encourage you to post more often. I mean, it would totally be a shame if she lost you as a reader.

    It occurs to me that we really don't know much about you except: 1.) You're a man, 2.) You believe that "real men" don't read blogs (and your postings have actually started to convince me that this may be the case), and 3.) You claim to have a "significant other." BTW, I'm sure your lady would be thrilled to discover that you spend your free time closely monitoring the blog of a young, single girl and making snarky comments about the writer and her dad. Why not show her your work on this blog and get back to us about her reaction? I'm sure she would be so proud of you. Unless, of course, she too believes that real men don't read blogs.

  4. Anonymous12:25 AM

    Re: Just askin' & Anonymous
    I am an avid follower of this blog as well as several others. I detest the accusation that blogs are for those with no time on their hands. I can tell you that I rather enjoy blogs. They are my second favorite thing to look at on the internet.

    As for the accusation that "Real Men" don't blog well that is absurd! I consider myself a "Real Man." Just because I spend more time blogging then dating does that make me less of a man?

    Now if you will excuse me, I have to get back to my MMORPG, World of Warcraft before the Orcs and Trolls form an alliance and seize the golden staff of Odin.