Saturday, February 14, 2009

An open letter to all the boys I haven't kissed yet

Dear boys of the world,

I have been on this earth for 25 years, and in that time, I have kissed barely a handful of you. This, to me, is an egregious oversight in need of immediate remedy.

Not because I'm a floozy, mind you, or a flirt or a thrill-seeker. I'm suggesting this in the name of research, so that we might identify a mutually beneficial pairing.

I realize the logistics could be difficult. There are 3 billion of you and one of me. Still, I think with time, patience, and an large inventory of Chapstick, we can make this a success.

Here's my plan: Each of you take a number. Go about your daily lives. Wait for me to call you when your number comes up. Travel here. Introduce yourself. Pucker up.

If this sounds daunting, you'll be relieved to learn that I'm a woman who knows what she wants. I know a good man when I see one. And I do see a lot of them -- I just don't kiss that many of them. This exercise should fix that disconnect, without wasting too much of your time and energy.

In fact, if you're a man who knows a good woman on sight, then we increase our chances of reaching a successful conclusion. What's more, it could succeed in record time if we have the same definition of good -- that is, kind, confident, intelligent, and eager to leave the world a little better than when you found it.

I don't think any of this is too much to ask. Because I believe people are fundamentally good. And that good kissers are fundamentally fun.

Are you amenable to my proposal? If so, please leave a comment with all pertinent information here. I will be in touch shortly (though please have patience, because there are 3 billion of you, after all).

Thank you in advance for your consideration and cooperation. I look forward to kissing you.


Photo by Jeremy Brooks


  1. Anonymous10:20 AM

    Once on my birthday, I was at a college party and I told everyone that my goal was to kiss 21 guys because I was 21. . .they were more than willing to cooperate and I think I kissed about 30 guys that night, though I remember little of it.

    -Becca :)

  2. Anonymous6:20 PM

    I have made it my business to kiss as many of la femme as possible and have been quite succesful! I very much fear that my wife,daughters,grandaughter and great grandaughters and even some of the other women I've kissed would object to my being a participant, I will not apply. How ever, if I had my way, I'd be on the next plane to DC, because you look like the most kissable woman I've seen in a long time!!! There must be a lot of dumb men around you. Scared to say who I am.

  3. Anonymous6:08 PM

    "An open letter to the girl who won't be kissed"
    Dear girl, Maybe you haven't been kissed yet because you are just so smart. Guys, typically, are not attracted to women who think they are smater than they are. They are attracted to the floozy, the flirt, and the thrill-seeker, not the woman who sits and composes meaningful blog entries. My suggestion; the next time you get the urge to write on your blog, take a shower, do your hair up nicely, perfume, make-up, etc. Put on a short skirt and a tight fitting, low-cut top, go to a local beverage serving establishment and flirt your ass off, act like a floozy and seek some thrills that might find you waking up the next morning in a bachelors apartment saying, "I'll take my eggs scrambled please." Just some friendly advice from one who has found a mate and has paired off successfully. If you truly are as "great a catch" as you think you are, a boy will find you. We usually do. I found one. Good luck. Happy Valentines Day!;)

  4. Anonymous6:27 PM

    Note: Spelling error. Fourth line down, last word should be "smarter" not "smater". My deepest apologies. When leaving "snarky" comments, I will be sure to spell check. "Hat tip!"

  5. I'd have to disagree with Anonymous. I personally would be elated to find an attractive woman that could keep me on my heels, outsmart me, debate me, and, at times, make me feel like a fool. I yearn for challenge, for open confrontation (and make up ;-P). If you're good looking, good for you. But when you're walking around the gym and drop your cell phone because you can't disconnect with the world for an hour and be your own person... well, good luck out there.

    BTW, hey Julia!

  6. Anonymous5:45 PM

    Matt, Are you single? Anonymous wants to know.