How to move in your new roommate (without destroying walls or friendships)

Photo by dearbarbie

I've offered my tips on packing a suitcase in 20 steps. Now we move to moving -- specifically, how to move your new roommate into the house in 20 steps.

* First ask if he/she's going to offer lunch, aka beer.

* If answer is affirmative, then agree to help lift heavy things.

* Start working out again so you're actually capable of lifting heavy things.

* Realize working out will not achieve desired results in enough time.

* Call burly helpers (most particularly male, but burly females will work too). Insist they bring extra burliness, especially if there's a pull-out couch in need of transport.

* Clear out closet/basement/bedroom space/trash bin to store all boxes.

* Take opportunity to repack your own belongings. Make sure to keep things you won't ever use again on the premise of sentimental attachment.

* Ignore the dirt underneath everything you move, since boxes will soon be on top of it again anyway.

* Indulge fanciful daydreams of where all the new-to-you furniture and art will go. Gloss over the fact that two other opinions will need consideration.

* On day of move, confirm that beer is purchased and waiting.

* Direct your burly helpers with firm authority. Scream "Not the walls!" whenever they turn a corner to keep them on their toes.

* Cite possible back injury to back and/or manicure whenever asked to lift an item.

* If attention, strength, or patience wanes at any point, mention the beer.

* Offer advice to your roommate on how to arrange his/her room, solicited or not.

* Gallantly volunteer to place the phone order for pizza.

* Set aside one hour to pick up the pizza. When burly helpers point out the pizzeria is one block away, pretend you're deaf in one ear.

* Get back just in time to applaud everyone as they put the last chair/mattress/box in place.

* Direct the burly helpers to the pizza.

* Toast your new roommate while propping up his/her aching, stressed body on the kitchen counter.

* Enjoy a well-deserved beer. You earned it!

Welcome to your new home, Sus! Let the adventures begin. :D